“Destruction is an important force in change. Without destruction of the self, there wouldn’t ever be room for improvement, or space for new self.” (:::::::::: quoted from an old journal entry - linked between the lines)
back before i did this whole tumblr thing, i was a pretty avid “blogger” over the previous 9 years. i wrote really regularly, and felt the need to get anything in the way of a clear psyche out for the world to see that. i didn’t really mention reasoning’s for the switch away from live journal land. all that’s private and friends only now, but the biggest reason other than the death of lj, was about spin. i had wanted a website for my art for a long time, but integrating a public laundry clean like that account couldn’t possibly be good for anything. so i made this, with the intent to be positive and self promoting. late 2009 was an optimistic feeling time, so this made sense at the time.
now, on the other hand, this is nothing but frustrating. “promoting art” isn’t doing a darn thing right now (some people talk about buying art, but i sold 2 pieces all year last year) & neither positive nor self promoting exist within my internal dialogue worth a damn. and the internal dialogue is probably the biggest problem, seeing how used to organizing everything into pretty piles of words with conclusions and/or talking with the lady i once told everything. without all of that, i feel like the person who used to write is taking over my regular life at irregular intervals.
i’ve had several friends that have spoken about the difference between knowing me, as a person, and the person who used to write at home every evening. the version of me would normally be pretty happy and optimistic, and the version that would be writing a lot would normally see things for the worst of what they could be, while looking for the best.
the problem in this situation, where everything belongs to a world of “privacy” and “image” is the desire for secrecy, and the idea that certain facts are not for public consumption tends to snowball.
so i’ve saved this as draft several times now, but the solution is clear. it involves a lifestyle that involves less need for secrecy. i don’t know exactly what that is, but in instantiates the need for change, which is a regular need in my life. that need freaks me out, because it hasn’t gone away in more than 12 years, and I fear that it may follow me to a desolate grave.
danielliepold posted this
